Wednesday, December 14, 2011

1000 points delicious!

Have you met the new and improved Lolo, self-proclaimed master housewife extraordinaire?

It's true, after only three and a half years of marriage I've become a pro chef, baker, cleaner, grocery shopper and mom.

You don't believe me? Let's stack up the evidence:

1. Today, I made cookies without using a recipe. Granted, I had an idea of what kind of cookie I would like to make, and I'm sure there exists a recipe for double-chocolate Andes mint chip cookies with bonus chocolate chips, but I did not feel like scouring the internet for said recipe. I hate following recipes. That stupid, pretentious cookbook telling me what to do is inexplicably obnoxious. Let me do my own thing!

Not to mention, this is the second time I've done this in one month!

15 points to Lolo (hey, making a new baking recipe is hard! It's science!)

2. I made a bacon cheeseburger meatloaf for dinner on Monday. Again, no recipes. Does this really need any back-up explanation? The husband loves me.

8 points

3. My house smells like fabric softener and baked goods all the time, and not like human excrement. This is quite the feat considering we're in the midst of potty training a two and a half year old, and we have a seven month old who recently began eating a variety of fruits and veggies.

5 points

4. As far as I know, my kids love Jesus. Z says the Hail Mary every night, and sings The King of Glory as we light the advent wreath, and G doesn't cry too much at mass.

175 points (don't judge, that's God's job.)

5. I'm pretty good at hiding my faults from the public. Though I can bake and cook with mad skills, and keep my children on the path to righteousness whilst smelling sweet, I'll admit I have my off days. However, the whole internet doesn't need to know about it!

- 4 points (for a lack of transparency)

If I can do math properly, which I'm sure all my patients hope to heaven that I can, that totals out to 199. Don't ask me what the scale is for homemaker of the year, because I just made up random point amounts with no real justification. I'm guessing I'm somewhere in the top 3,529, though.

Revel in my prowess and prolificity, bitches.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Story time!

The Leaky Roof.

I walked in to find the bathroom floor soaking wet and water rushing like a waterfall from the vent in the ceiling....(slightly exaggerated for dramatic effect. "slow trickle" might be more accurate) In those brief moments of horrific discovery I pictured my house slowly morphing into 320 Sycamore, complete with a serenading policeman and cab-driver outside my window. 

All I could do was yell "Bucket! I need a bucket!!" and put my hands on my face Macaulay Culkin-style. The husband attempted to allay my hysteria as I ran toward the basement to fetch a pail for water. He gave me a figurative slap across the face and yelled "we don't need a bucket!" I was convinced he had somehow miraculously repaired the leak in the 10 seconds I had been flailing around the house.

He didn't.

However, he did repair my obsession with a bucket.

He opened the toilet, and the water from the vent, which was situated directly above, had a lovely compartment in which to drain.


Just goes to show, God knows how to give you a leaky roof on your birthday. He simply puts it directly above the built-in bucket.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Keep Christ in Christmas, and Christmas in December... and January.

Join my campaign to keep the spirit of Christmas alive.

You might be thinking, "What are you talking about, Lolo? I see Christmas spirit everywhere!!"

It's true. Some folks have taken to the ostentatious display of Christmas paraphernalia so early in the year, but I see it as an affront to true Christmas values.

We're so hopped up on tinsel and good-tidings starting with the serenade of  "All I Want for Christmas is You" in mid-October, that when the Holiday finally arrives we're feeling a bit bah-humbuggish.

So please, join me in my temporary Grinchitude until the season truly starts: December 25th.

Don't worry, if you feel that's too long to wait, we Polaks and Polkas like to celebrate the Christmas season from the Wigilia to Candlemas to make up for lost time!

Friday, October 28, 2011

5 little monkeys, eating crayons, making messes and jumping on the bed.

It seems some moms have stopped listening to their maternal instinct and have instead turned toward the internet for parenting advice.

What (most of) the internet won't tell you:

1. Babies grow up.

It may seem like a good idea at the time, to have a cute little bundle of joy to carry around like a fluffy purse-dog as if you're a more fertile version of Paris Hilton. Then they become toddlers, and suddenly you're cleaning up pancake syrup and permanent marker all day, and you realize maybe a dog would have been better, because at least you can send them in the backyard when they're covered in stink. I can't speak from experience, but I'm sure it only gets better as those precious little ones continue to shed their sheepskin as they progress into tween-hood and beyond.

2. Television is a perfectly acceptable babysitter for your children.

Don't misunderstand. I don't allow my 2-year-old to watch Yo Gabba Gabba all day every day until his mind is cream-of-wheat. However, when I want to shower, you better believe DJ Lance and company are preventing my child from setting the house on fire or climbing into the crib to choke the baby with diaper pins while she sleeps.

3. You will have a favorite child.

I know, you're not supposed to pick favorites, but I totally do. As my mother said before me, "My favorite child is whichever one is causing the least trouble." Don't tell anyone, but Z is my favorite.

4. Listen to professionals.

There's a reason they're called professionals. Doctors and nurses really know what they're doing. I'll admit, there are some "professionals" who are too ignorant to admit their ignorance, in which case you should follow your gut. For the most part they want to help. They probably have looked at research why your baby should sleep on their back and receive ALL the recommended vaccines only in an effort to keep your baby safe, NOT to tell you how to be a mother.

I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I've got to be better than that woman who kept letting monkeys jump on the bed, even though the doctor kept telling her no more!

P.S. G is my Favorite.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

For everything there is a season.

The weather has been unseasonably warm these last few weeks. Some blame it on global warming, or green house gases, or cow farts, or whatever. I blame it on baseball. That's right. Baseball.

Somehow we're managing to play baseball, hockey and football all at the same time. That's like wearing a coat and scarf with a white sundress.

Clearly there's no definitive seasons anymore, so I say take a free-for-all on fashion and go wild with "out of season" styles! Because if we can still have baseball well into October, then I see no reason why I can't wear my white shorts with cork wedges well into the post-season.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Forward down the field.

Good morning, Sports Fans. In case you haven't heard, the Lions are 3-0 for the first time since 1980. That's right. I was negative 7 years old the last time it happened.

So dust off your mid-drift cut Lions jersey and get on the bandwagon before it's too late. You don't want to be accused of being a fair-weather fan.

Though to be fair, if you can't say you had season tickets the year they went 0-16 (like some of us did) and attended every single home game with extreme dedication, abandoning all despair and remaining hopeful all the while (like some of us did) then you're still a fair-weather fan. Sorry.

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Lions!!

Friday, September 2, 2011

Will you follow the yellow brick road, already?!!?

I'm pretty sure all children have obsessive personalities. They pick one movie that fits their style and become so passionate about it they'll watch it eight-thousand times until they know every single line and their mothers are singing "You've got a friend in me" while washing dishes.


I can't say I'm exempt from this rule either. The Wizard of Oz was a Little-Lo-lo fave back in the day. Maybe we find comfort in hearing the same lines over and over and over.

That must be why kids are disobedient: they like hearing their mothers say the same thing over and over and over and over.......

Friday, August 26, 2011

Danger: tears of laughter

Sometimes I get emotional about unusual things. I'm telling you, tears can straight up flow like a river from these lacrimal glands. Let me know if you share some of my oddities.

For example: I cry when someone wins a major sporting event. The Super Bowl? I can't handle it. When Drew Brees held his baby up after winning? Someone please, give me a tissue. It's a little embarrassing because I feel pretty tough for loving football as much as I do, then I break down like a baby.


One time I saw a commercial for a Disney movie and just lost it. I still haven't seen the movie it was advertising, but apparently it seemed quite moving in the preview.

And it's not just emotional moments like watching sports' championships on the television. If you get me laughing hard enough my eyes start leaking so bad I can't see (in fact, I sometimes worry my eyes won't be the only thing leaking...)

Just this past week I read the newspaper (who knew those even existed anymore??) and saw a headline that caught my eye. Maybe it's not as funny to other people as I think it is, but I certainly appreciated the fiends who hacked into an Arizona construction sign to warn commuters of the danger of vicious pandas in the neighborhood.

Good times, Arizonians... good times.

Friday, August 12, 2011

I'll have the fish

I don't understand everyone's fascination with Friday. What is all this "TGIF"? What is there to be so excited about on Friday over other days of the week? There's no meat on Fridays, I have to work every other Friday, and tomorrow is Saturday: my least favorite day of the week. Except for that restaurant that Friday has, Friday is just a bundle of disappointment.

I prefer Thursday.

I guess on Friday most people have their friends kickin' in the front seat and sittin' in the back seat, and their biggest concern of the day is deciding which seat to take....

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

There's finally a party in my tummy!

Let me tell you about what a deprived childhood I had.

1: There are so many foods I didn't know you could cook at home until I was an adult! For example: meatballs. I was convinced meatballs came in a bag from the freezer, and that you microwaved them in some CorningWare. I hadn't the slightest clue that it was humanly possible to take ground beef, mix it up in a bowl with some spices, and actually roll them with my hands to make a scrumptious meal!

2: Fruit is a fantastic and easy treat at any time of the day. That's right, I did not eat fresh fruit as a child. I vaguely remember eating an apple or two, and maybe having some watermelon in the summer, but aside from that, my belly was neglected.

3: The juicy deliciousness of a tender chicken breast marinated in Italian dressing never met my lips until my 20s. Why, Mother, did you never soak meats for 24 hours before grilling them for our family?! It's a mighty shame I had to eat only moderately moist chicken for so many years.

Don't worry, Mom. I don't blame you for disregarding my taste buds. Considering the only things I feel I missed out on in my childhood relate to my diet, you must have done a pretty good job raising me.

After all, you did give me the opportunity to practice my fashion, make-up and nail polish skills on my four younger brothers.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Can you tell me how to get.....

Every day on Sesame Street they have a "word of the day." It's usually something pretty applicable to daily life. Today it was "appetite." Well I have an appetite for good words.

My word of the day: Facetious.

Why today?

Why not today? It's my favorite word!

Why is it my favorite word?

Think about what a good word it is! It's fun to say, a little tricky to spell, and so much fun to be. While I have little to no tolerance for sarcasm (mainly because I lack the social perceptiveness to discern between sarcasm and just plain mean), facetiousness can be more lighthearted and full of whimsy.

So, Sesame Street, teach my children some fun words to really advance their vocabularies. My precocious children, who snack on spinach and Asiago salads, demand more obscure words from talking puppets.

And I'm not just being facetious.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Green acres and acres of garbage

I was recently attempting to make strides in my effort to be a good steward of God's creation. I try to sort the recycling from the legitimate trash, and walk to the farm market with my reusable grocery bags in tow. I even considered cloth diapering for like, a day (the idea of poop-filled plastic festering in a landfill for 500 years made me feel like a bit of a fiend for contributing to the crap-pile).

But.... I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on cloth diapers, and have to rinse poo off of my children all day. Additionally, I'd rather my house smell like the sanitizing, cancer causing, earth-killing chemicals in my kitchen cleaner than use the main ingredient in my favorite salad dressing to clean the house.

Besides, is using biodegradable nappies really going to make a dent in the imminent destruction being imposed upon our planet when I receive piles of junk mail in amounts comparable to Dumbledore trying to tell Harry Potter he's a wizard? (sorry, spoiler alert)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Wired help

When are we going to get robots to do all the work for us? If historic entertainment is any indication, we only have 4 years to develop flying cars as a realistic means of travel, and about 50 years to have robots doing our housework while we live in outer space. I suppose if the apocalypse is coming next year anyway, it's of no consequence whether I have my robot and flying car just yet. However, it'd certainly be beneficial if I had a Rosie to take care of the kids and provide maintenance to my automatic laundry-folding machine so I could go shopping all day. If only I had a time-traveling DeLorean. I could zip to the future to snag some advanced technology and use it to my benefit before next December.

I blame Obama: cancelling the space program and all.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


There's a new phenomenon sweeping the nation: popcorn brain. It sounds like something zombies would be all about (can I have extra butter on those BRAINS?!). However, it seems it's actually something that will turn all of us into zombies: social network zombies.

I wonder what will happen once people realize they're afflicted with this devastating condition. Most likely Google's servers will crash with the influx of "online support groups for popcorn brain" searches, and the Facebook group  "Help, I'm addicted to Facebook" will be the fastest to reach one million "likes."

Now if you'll excuse me, my two month old just sent me a text alerting me to the fact that she wants some nibbles, and my two year old tweeted something about Yo Gabba Gabba.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

A little pick-me-"Up"

While I can't say I'd like to be as surly as Carl Fredrickson, I certainly wish to obtain his outstanding ability to overcome the inconvenient affects of aging.  Good old Mr. Fredrickson starts off with a crick in his back and a stair-chair, and finishes of his grand adventure able to navigate the Venezuelan jungle dragging a bungalow held up by balloons. Did you see those evasive maneuvers he used to escape the wrath of Charles Muntz atop the "Spirit of Adventure"?! Awe inspiring.

When he lost his bitterness, he must have gained miraculous regenerative abilities. I hope you're listening, crabby old people!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

There's only one prescription for that fever

I was watching the Today Show this morning and found that preteen girls can be unbelievably rude. There was Justin Beiber, trying to discuss his new ladies' perfume and the charities to which he's donating the proceeds, and these tweens just kept screaming and flailing like some rare species of possessed bird. I couldn't even hear what the fellow was saying! Poor Beiber, it looks like we still can't take you seriously.

Although if you'd like to be taken seriously, you probably shouldn't sell ladies' perfume....

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Now that's ambitious

When you were a kid, you had a dream job, right? All kids want to grow up to be something amazing. A vet, a doctor, a rocket scientist. My ambition was a little nontraditional, and I have to say I'm moderately jealous of my brother: he gets to wear a costume to work. I don't mean a uniform, I mean a straight-up costume. I wanted to be Chuck E. Cheese, or a professional sports team's mascot; anything where I could where a costume and a big fake head.

I was an odd child.

I admit, my brother hasn't exactly stolen my childhood dream. He wears period clothing at his job at the Henry Ford. No large foam heads involved. However, it is far closer than I've gotten. I think they might frown upon a nurse showing up at work with a giant tiger head attached (although some days I feel like that might be beneficial).

I just hope no one in my family beats me to my new ambition: shooting a hand gun, and driving a motorcycle. Preferably simultaneously.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Best thing ever: “5 easy steps”

How awesome is it when you're trying to do something super complicated, and in your searches through the Internet you find a “5 easy steps” version? Today I learned how to update my wardrobe with 5 simple pieces, make fancy floral arrangements with just 10 dollars, and how to make 3 meals with only 5 ingredients (that's right, I was watching daytime programming with my kids).

I'm a firm believer that all things in life should have the easy instructions readily accessible. Imagine the possibilities!

5 easy steps to:
-redoing your kitchen
-training your husband to clean the bathroom without being asked
-getting your toddler to take a nap
-winning the Super Bowl

I don't know about you, but those first three would make my life a lot better! The last one too, if the Lions subscribed to those hacks.

On a different note, I'm also a firm believer that there should be a mariachi version of all songs. 5 easy steps, anyone?

Monday, June 20, 2011


Recently my husband gave me an unexpected compliment:

“I like reading your writing. You should write more”

Now I can only image to which writing he was referencing. My most recent writing endeavors were composed in APA format and submitted for a grade (incidentally, if you find I start blogging with one inch margins and include a reference page, you'll understand why).

Perhaps he was referring to the love notes I so politely leave for him:

You're awesome. Please bring the kitty litter in the house since I'm too lazy to carry that 50lb box into the basement. Thanks
<3 Lolo”

If that's the case, he must have been talking about my hand-writing, not my eloquent prose. Although who doesn't appreciate a good note about kitty litter every once in a while?

Whatever the reason was, he told me to blog. I told him there are not many things I have to talk about, but maybe I could think of a few: things I'm excited about (dark chocolate!), things I'm passionate about (NFL lockout?!?), things I'm afraid of (sinkholes), or maybe things that are just plain silly (did you know aliens gave Moses the ten commandments?). So, we'll see what kind of ridiculous comments I have to make about life in general. I feel we'll find my writings to be blissfully boring and extraordinarily mediocre.