Monday, September 17, 2012

I wanted to be 4,395 feet taller.

So we went on vacation last week.

I climbed to the almost top of a mountain.

We vacation hard core.

The whole way up I kept telling myself, if I could have two kids, I can climb a mountain. This line from "Up" kept coming into my head: "He hurdles Mount Everest! He... goes around Mount Everest!" After I had a panic attack at about 4,300 feet I said some Hail Marys as I climbed a little higher. Then we got to this part where, I promise you, it was a smooth, 20 foot high slab of rock with a three inch foothold about ten feet up.

Maybe I exaggerate, but that's when I gave up.

However, I do not consider it a failure. I climbed to the almost top of a mountain! I could see the top! I didn't fall off the face of a mountain to my death!

Maybe you're not impressed. Maybe you've climbed to the actual top of a mountain, one that's even taller. As for me, I'm counting this as a win.

I had never even seen a mountain before that! Definitely a win.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

You make me feel so young.

So many things are just way too hard. Specifically, being an adult. You know, having to clean and work and cook and make phone calls. UGH. Phone calls. The WORST.

I'm learning life is so much easier as a three-year-old, and there's no reason I can't enjoy life with the same reckless abandon.

Who says we can't have ice cream for lunch, or watch Disney movies from dawn until dusk? And what's the problem with getting unreasonably excited about the prospect of a birthday party, for which your house is going to be filled with dozens of helium balloons in an assortment of vibrant hues? (nothing, because it's going to be freaking awesome)

I'm going to play at the park and make my stuffed monkeys talk in high-pitched voices. I'm going to make murals of monsters in the dining room and step back and admire my work. And when the lamp breaks I will revel is the grand ruckus the crashing ceramic produced as it plummeted to its demise.

Most importantly, I will take a three hour nap every afternoon. Goodbye, responsibilities of adulthood. Hello, care bears,  rainbows, unicorns and butterflies.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Clean up, clean up, wash your dirty underwear!

There are certain chores I despise.

Sure, washing the dishes and doing the laundry are time-consuming, never-ending tasks. However, there are other things much much worse than those.

I call these tasks "invisichores": those chores that, upon completion, no one either notices nor cares that you spent precious minutes of your life performing said tasks.

Here are my top 3

3. Cleaning the microwave

The caked on spaghetti sauce and pulled pork were disgusting and intolerable yesterday, but does the husband even acknowledge the sparkling microwave with its lemony scent today? No. Perhaps next time I'll leave the turntable in the sink as evidence.

2. Dusting

Personally, I don't dust unless the Pope is coming over, but I can imagine that the absence of dust is hardly any more unsettling than the presence of it in my home. I just pretend the layer of dust all over the bookcase is in fact the actual color of the wood and not dust mite excrement.

1. Cleaning the toilet

Not only do I risk being splashed by water that has touched a container that has touched human waste, but it takes me freaking forever to clean the toilet! I don't know why, maybe I'm doing it wrong. The only bonus to this chore is that I always leave the blue liquid in the toilet afterwards as proof.

There you have it. Have fun doing your chores. I know I won't notice they've been done.

Let me know if you have some invisichores of your own, and how you leave proof that you didn't just spend your day eating bon-bons and watching weird Netflix shows.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A moving buddy. If you don't have one, get one!

I have terrible timing.

About a month ago I decided to rip out ten hideous bushes from my backyard that stood about 20 feet tall. Now, when the temperature has been running about 100, I decide I must plant some flowers.

What is wrong with me?!?!

First of all, no one is even selling flowers anymore. The nurseries are closed, and the garden stores have shriveled-up sorry excuses for perennials on triple-double clearance.

Nevertheless, I will be trekking to the Husband's ailing grandmother's house to rip out three hydrangeas and two roses to plant at my house. I hardly even enjoy moving about in such weather as this, yet I'm about to go force these poor plants into tiny pots and drag them 10 miles to a new home. How

Wish me luck and lots of water.

The poor hydrangeas will be needing it.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Minus the Russian spies and all that....

I am recanting my previous post and moving further back in time. Supporting statements as follows.

Point 1:

The Husband claims that people are getting more and more obese every year because of air conditioning. We've been trying to get a little more fit lately. Ergo, it's now 80 degrees in my house. Surprisingly, the conditions are not as miserable as I first assumed.

Point 2:

Since it is now so warm in my homestead, and of course considering I'm as fashionable as they come ("they" being 20-something mothers of two who have too many student loans, watch too much Gossip Girl, and have a Target card) dresses are taking over my closet. It's incomprehensible how many adorable dresses exist in stores this year. I think I might accidentally buy five right now.

Point 3:

Speaking of shopping on the internet, I purchased a new iron yesterday. It has inclined me to embrace my status as goddess of domesticity and iron all of the Husband's shirts, my bed sheets, the children's clothes, and the curtains that I don't even own... yet. All of this, of course, will be completed while wearing heels and pearls in my fabulous new dresses.

In conclusion, I watched Rear Window last night. I'm certain I will present myself as Grace Kelly, in her $1,100 Parisian gown on a 90 degree day with nary a bead of sweat, and not as the chubby sunbather who makes weird sculptures and yells at the murderous neighbor about flowers or something.

Well, maybe I'll just shoot for the middle ground and be the quick-witted home care nurse, Stella. That lady is ballin'.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Getting my Cardigan on.

I can't care about anything but vehemently rocking out to 90s pop-tunes.

<001> - Lovefool by The Cardigans on Grooveshark

While I'm at it, I'm going to wear ostentatiously colored shorts and jelly shoes. That's right, I'm in elementary school again. Thanks for the selection of everything in neon, Target!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Food is delicious.

I have two things for you to digest today.

Number one:

Stop comparing breastfeeding mothers to monkeys.

I get it. Primates are kind of like humans, having opposable thumbs and wearing clothes while they play musical instruments and all that. BUT THEY'RE ANIMALS! Just because a chimp suckles her babes until they're in preschool doesn't mean I have to. Humans have the ability to make intelligent decisions for themselves and their young that are not based solely on continuing the species. Love and affection are a few key ingredients in the mix.

(Disclaimer: I fully, 100% support breastfeeding until you and your babe are absolutely ready to discontinue, whether that be at 6 months or 6 years)

Number two:

I think I'm going to eat banana bread for every meal, and bake it every day. I'm also going to add pecans and chocolate chips to the batter, every day. Also, love and affection.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Holy Roller? Holy Roller.

You might have heard of this 2 word story thing before. I really don't know much about it, but I do know that I see the signs all over the place.

Today I saw one that said "Content? Content."

I thought, "that's the dumbest thing ever."

I suppose living a Christian life can make you feel more content, but I think it should do exactly the opposite. While striving to become more like Christ, we should feel challenged, and empowered. Never content.When we start to feel too content with our spiritual lives, that's when we invite laziness, and we stop working to become more holy.

And just so you don't feel like I'm getting too serious:

Happy Birthday, G!!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Video game championship.

How my life is like Tetris:

I know for a fact that all of my 3oz liquids and gels fit into that 1 quart bag for the flight out. How has my face wash bottle turned without my consent from a convenient line to one of those T shaped pieces with a tail growing from it?! And who put a square lotion right in the middle!?!?

The fridge was almost certainly empty when I left to go grocery shopping. I know I spent over $200 on groceries, but does that mean they need pile into the fridge with such speed that I'm mere fractions of a second away from sure demise? I will not fail you, pork tenderloin!

The kids are packed neatly in their beds at precisely 8pm. We beat the clock and every toy is stacked away nicely. I finally have a sense of accomplishment on leveling up and must force myself to take a break from the challenges or I'll definitely dream of blocks falling from the sky (although that might not be a dream if I don't tread lightly near the bookcase where the toys were precariously piled...)

It's morning, and the call of the game is unrelenting (or maybe that's Z saying "Hello! Mom! Come Here!"). We're onto the next level, but I think today we'll just stick with cuddling on the couch, three in a row with no squares in-between.

We'll go for the record number of tetrises when the husband gets home. He'll fit right in to family cuddle time, FTW.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

It is illegal to let your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose.

Turns out the 90 degree weather last week was a fluke. It got down to below freezing again yesterday. Oh, Michigan.

On a related note (in that Michigan is a bizarre place), my husband will not let me cut my hair. It's not like I want to do anything drastic... just take off a couple inches or 10. To make his defense, he cited a bogus Michigan law at me (see #7). So I guess for now I'll settle with my beautiful flowing locks and get an adorable hair cut when my husband finally comes around to the 21st century. (20th? 22nd? I've never understood centuries...)

For those of you curious, toddler accidents are easier to clean off of the wood floor than off of underpants.

Potty training isn't going too well.

Finally: I want a pet pig! Recently the husband and I discovered tea-cup piggies. Way. Too. Fun.

We decided we need a new house before we get a few, though. Our current piglets make it a little difficult to store a litter box for the new pig. Toddlers and pig poop is a combination I don't intend to experience. Dreadful.

I'm totally serious about the pig thing. I will have one some day.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Random update: It feels like spring outside.

I only have six years and five months to learn fluent Italian. I thought I was fluent for one evening, but that may have just been my friend Jack Daniels translating for me. Molto male.

There are way too many cute things to buy in the world, and I want them all. Seriously, why do I not own this whisk???

Life if extremely stressful. Insight: that must be why there are so many fun things available for purchase. They're there to distract us from how horrible life can be.

Sea salt and chocolate is a magical combination. Also, bacon is a superior meat product.

Cell phones make people dumb. Really, is Angry Birds more intriguing than.... anything else in the word? Pink whisks, for example?

Finally: I love colors.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I love my husband, he's sings so melodious.

I LOVE Valentine's day.

I know what you're thinking, it's actually Cyril and Methodius day, you got me there. Obviously we stuck with celebrating the collective "Valentine" because it's much less challenging to make poems that rhyme with that than with "Methodius." (you're the grottiest??)

Anyway, roses are red,
violets are blue,
eat lots of candy,
and don't complain if your husband doesn't get you any flowers or chocolate because he washes the dishes and takes out the garbage every day and the least you could do for him is not nag him for 24 hours.

Happy Ss Cyril and Methodius day!

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Meet my daughter... Alyzinnia...?

Learn how to give your child a normal name.

Kennedy, Carter and Reagan were presidents, not babies. Bentley is a car. Hunter is someone who catches me some delicious venison. And Jaxon is just a really dumb way to spell a dog's name.

If you want me to identify your child as male or female, then dress them in either blue or pink, respectively, and don't name them something nonspecific like Jayden or Peyton. I WILL say "look how pretty she is!" when I see a baby dressed in yellow with voluminous eyelashes and flowing curly hair.

Sorry, Riley, your mother didn't have the balls to give you a man's name or dress you in overalls with trucks and dinosaurs all over them.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Mother of the year.

There's nothing like browsing mommy blogs to bring my ego down a few notches...

This lady helped me feel inferior today, with her well-lit photographs of contrived arts and crafts completed by her overachieving kids. It's great that your kids didn't take the lids off of the painted pop-bottles used for bowling; my kids are smarter than that and would have jammed about 12 dollars worth of change into them and started whaling each other in the head after about two and a half minutes.

And what kid is going to eat dragon fruit!??!!? It looks like chopped-up Yahtzee dice!!

There's no way this mom is for real. I did notice she's Canadian, so that only increases the probability that she's imaginary.

I have to give her props for being so ambitious, because the most prestigious arts and crafts my kids and I have undertaken this week consisted of handing Z an empty toilet paper roll and saying "use your imagination."

At least I can take solace in the fact that my kids are much better looking than hers.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sandcastles in the sand.

You know I love to pick favorites.

Favorite baking ingredient: brown sugar.

Far superior over that regular old granulated crap.

It's such a soft brown, with the texture of sand at the beach. I start to bake and I feel like I'm on an ocean coast, only it smells like butter and vanilla (not a bad idea for a suntan lotion scent).

If I can't build sandcastles every day, at least I can build scrumptious treats full of calories to fill out my beach body.

I have a real problem, and it's called baking.

Friday, January 6, 2012

A change of scenery.

I have a hard time believing there are people out there who are afraid of change. I'll admit, someone hurling nickels and dimes at me does sound a little frightening (bad pun!), but things becoming different is so much fun!

Life would be awful if things never changed.

Proof: The Lions certainly wouldn't be in the playoffs!!! (I'm still freaking out a little. Super Bowl!!!!!!!)

And how could people really be afraid of changing if so many people make new years resolutions? Unless you're resolving to stay exactly the same, I'd say that's embracing changes.

I'm also assuming most people aren't afraid of change when it comes to their underpants.

I love change so much it's gotten to the point where my husband is afraid of what I've done to the house when he gets home from a long day.

        "I saw you had the window open in our bedroom, and I was nervous that you had rearranged the whole house"

Really? I didn't know an open window could signify so much. In all fairness, I had moved the furniture in a third of our house the previous day... maybe he figured I wanted to round out to a whole number.

Happy 2012, everyone. Enjoy the changes that the new year brings!