5 little monkeys, eating crayons, making messes and jumping on the bed.

It seems some moms have stopped listening to their maternal instinct and have instead turned toward the internet for parenting advice.

What (most of) the internet won't tell you:

1. Babies grow up.

It may seem like a good idea at the time, to have a cute little bundle of joy to carry around like a fluffy purse-dog as if you're a more fertile version of Paris Hilton. Then they become toddlers, and suddenly you're cleaning up pancake syrup and permanent marker all day, and you realize maybe a dog would have been better, because at least you can send them in the backyard when they're covered in stink. I can't speak from experience, but I'm sure it only gets better as those precious little ones continue to shed their sheepskin as they progress into tween-hood and beyond.

2. Television is a perfectly acceptable babysitter for your children.

Don't misunderstand. I don't allow my 2-year-old to watch Yo Gabba Gabba all day every day until his mind is cream-of-wheat. However, when I want to shower, you better believe DJ Lance and company are preventing my child from setting the house on fire or climbing into the crib to choke the baby with diaper pins while she sleeps.

3. You will have a favorite child.

I know, you're not supposed to pick favorites, but I totally do. As my mother said before me, "My favorite child is whichever one is causing the least trouble." Don't tell anyone, but Z is my favorite.

4. Listen to professionals.

There's a reason they're called professionals. Doctors and nurses really know what they're doing. I'll admit, there are some "professionals" who are too ignorant to admit their ignorance, in which case you should follow your gut. For the most part they want to help. They probably have looked at research why your baby should sleep on their back and receive ALL the recommended vaccines only in an effort to keep your baby safe, NOT to tell you how to be a mother.

I know I'm not a perfect mother, but I've got to be better than that woman who kept letting monkeys jump on the bed, even though the doctor kept telling her no more!

P.S. G is my Favorite.

For everything there is a season.

The weather has been unseasonably warm these last few weeks. Some blame it on global warming, or green house gases, or cow farts, or whatever. I blame it on baseball. That's right. Baseball.

Somehow we're managing to play baseball, hockey and football all at the same time. That's like wearing a coat and scarf with a white sundress.

Clearly there's no definitive seasons anymore, so I say take a free-for-all on fashion and go wild with "out of season" styles! Because if we can still have baseball well into October, then I see no reason why I can't wear my white shorts with cork wedges well into the post-season.

Forward down the field.

Good morning, Sports Fans. In case you haven't heard, the Lions are 3-0 for the first time since 1980. That's right. I was negative 7 years old the last time it happened.

So dust off your mid-drift cut Lions jersey and get on the bandwagon before it's too late. You don't want to be accused of being a fair-weather fan.

Though to be fair, if you can't say you had season tickets the year they went 0-16 (like some of us did) and attended every single home game with extreme dedication, abandoning all despair and remaining hopeful all the while (like some of us did) then you're still a fair-weather fan. Sorry.

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Lions!!

Will you follow the yellow brick road, already?!!?

I'm pretty sure all children have obsessive personalities. They pick one movie that fits their style and become so passionate about it they'll watch it eight-thousand times until they know every single line and their mothers are singing "You've got a friend in me" while washing dishes.

Why?!

I can't say I'm exempt from this rule either. The Wizard of Oz was a Little-Lo-lo fave back in the day. Maybe we find comfort in hearing the same lines over and over and over.

That must be why kids are disobedient: they like hearing their mothers say the same thing over and over and over and over.......

Danger: tears of laughter

Sometimes I get emotional about unusual things. I'm telling you, tears can straight up flow like a river from these lacrimal glands. Let me know if you share some of my oddities.

For example: I cry when someone wins a major sporting event. The Super Bowl? I can't handle it. When Drew Brees held his baby up after winning? Someone please, give me a tissue. It's a little embarrassing because I feel pretty tough for loving football as much as I do, then I break down like a baby.

Pathetic.

One time I saw a commercial for a Disney movie and just lost it. I still haven't seen the movie it was advertising, but apparently it seemed quite moving in the preview.

And it's not just emotional moments like watching sports' championships on the television. If you get me laughing hard enough my eyes start leaking so bad I can't see (in fact, I sometimes worry my eyes won't be the only thing leaking...)

Just this past week I read the newspaper (who knew those even existed anymore??) and saw a headline that caught my eye. Maybe it's not as funny to other people as I think it is, but I certainly appreciated the fiends who hacked into an Arizona construction sign to warn commuters of the danger of vicious pandas in the neighborhood.

Good times, Arizonians... good times.

I'll have the fish

I don't understand everyone's fascination with Friday. What is all this "TGIF"? What is there to be so excited about on Friday over other days of the week? There's no meat on Fridays, I have to work every other Friday, and tomorrow is Saturday: my least favorite day of the week. Except for that restaurant that Friday has, Friday is just a bundle of disappointment.

I prefer Thursday.

I guess on Friday most people have their friends kickin' in the front seat and sittin' in the back seat, and their biggest concern of the day is deciding which seat to take....

There's finally a party in my tummy!

Let me tell you about what a deprived childhood I had.

1: There are so many foods I didn't know you could cook at home until I was an adult! For example: meatballs. I was convinced meatballs came in a bag from the freezer, and that you microwaved them in some CorningWare. I hadn't the slightest clue that it was humanly possible to take ground beef, mix it up in a bowl with some spices, and actually roll them with my hands to make a scrumptious meal!

2: Fruit is a fantastic and easy treat at any time of the day. That's right, I did not eat fresh fruit as a child. I vaguely remember eating an apple or two, and maybe having some watermelon in the summer, but aside from that, my belly was neglected.

3: The juicy deliciousness of a tender chicken breast marinated in Italian dressing never met my lips until my 20s. Why, Mother, did you never soak meats for 24 hours before grilling them for our family?! It's a mighty shame I had to eat only moderately moist chicken for so many years.

Don't worry, Mom. I don't blame you for disregarding my taste buds. Considering the only things I feel I missed out on in my childhood relate to my diet, you must have done a pretty good job raising me.

After all, you did give me the opportunity to practice my fashion, make-up and nail polish skills on my four younger brothers.